


I never wanted to care...

by River_Melody_Pond



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: F/M, Light Angst, Loss of Virginity, Morning After
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 22:09:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20937530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/River_Melody_Pond/pseuds/River_Melody_Pond
Summary: It is the morning after Jaime Lannister came knocking on her door, proclaiming "it was hot in there". Her lust had made Brienne fall for his act and she willingly allowed him to strip off her maidenhead along with his clothes... now she woke up beside an empty pillow.





	I never wanted to care...

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first Braime fic I attempted. It was written right after watching 8.4. 
> 
> I found it today while looking for some totally unrelated document and I decided to post it. I didn't temper with it, because I thought I should not self-polish on what past me felt in the heat and pain of the moment. 
> 
> Hope you'll like it. Xx 

She felt her eyelids light, then lighter and lighter as she slowly came into her senses. Brienne blinked lazily a couple of times allowing her eyes to get accustomed to the morning rays creeping in through the window. Her mind felt slow and numb in a way she had never known before, while her mouth felt dry with the aftertaste of alcohol… It was not a good feeling.

She should have not drunk so much...

With a sigh, Brienne let her eyes close again, but her tongue breached through her teeth and moved in circles over her full lips, in a futile attempt of conferring them a little wetness. She was so thirsty, but getting up seemed an entirely too high a price to pay for a mouthful of water.

She refused to move.

Lying on one side, front facing the quiet room, memories of the night passed started flooding her thoughts. Brienne tensed and held her breath, while suddenly becoming all too aware of her naked body underneath the heavy furs. Her heart began pounding and she bit her lips, squeezing her eyes forcefully.

What had she done?

Time after time she had fought her lust, her want, her feelings… Time after time she had resisted the most basic urges of the flesh in the name of honour and propriety.

Then she drank goblet after goblet of wine until she gave in to the darkest temptation – by its name Ser Jaime Lannister.

The man, who had protected her maidenhead at a very high personal cost, eventually claimed it for himself. It seemed somewhat fair… Her chest ached with sharp pain. _A Lannister always pays his debts._

And the debt had been paid indeed, Brienne thought while her heart filled heavy with sorrow… because what else could the previous night have been about?

She closed her eyes, keeping very, very still, as if scared to make a move. The worst part of what she had done was not regretting it at all. In all fairness, Brienne had no desire of turning around and facing the morning after. If she kept still, if she squeezed her eyes shut she could keep reality away and slip back into the night which had been the most beautiful in her unusual life. If she kept her eyes shut, she could still feel Jaime’s lips pressed on hers, his hand in her hair, his body on hers… _in_ hers. Her thighs rubbed together at the thought and her back arched a little.

Her sudden movement sharpened her hangover senses and, for the first time that morning, Brienne became fully aware of her surroundings. Painfully aware. In a heartbeat she felt breathless and her chest was reduced to the sorrow of a thousand arrows reaching the bull’s eye. In agonisingly slow motion, Brienne rolled on her other side just to face an empty pillow.

He had left.

A sob escaped her mouth and before too long many others followed. She curled into a ball and allowed herself to crumble, a waterfall of tears washing over her dry lips.

What had she expected? For him to be there to drag her to his chest? For him to shower her with kisses in the sunlight? For him to confess his undying love? Of course not! For him it had merely been a night of post-battle lust. Why had she expected it to be something else?

_A Lannister always pays his debts_… _A Lannister always pays his debts_…_ A Lannister always pays his debts_…she kept on repeating like a mantra in her head until the horrible words calmed her down.

Brienne took in a deep breath, wiped away her tears and stood up from the bed. It was what it was. She would survive it.

She rushed to the water pitcher left on the small table, poured herself a cup and drank it in one go. She felt slightly better with her insides hydrated. She walked to where her shirt laid on the floor and put it on at a raging speed. Trying to tie the laces up her chest, Brienne's eyes drifted to the bed.

A couple of stains on the sheet caught her eye. Without even wanting to, her steps took her there. With a trembling hand, she fully removed the furs and assessed the ‘bloodshed’.

Her chest started panting heavily. She bit her lower lip forcing away the tears threatening to return. She was a warrior – she had bled way worse than that many times before! And yet, somehow, that was not at all true. Nothing felt worse than those insignificant stains of blood… _a debt which had been paid_…

In spite of herself, Brienne could not tear her eyes away from the proof of her lost honour – time seemed to slow down until it froze. Her senses became dulled once again, not from alcohol, but this time from pain and shame.

She stood there like hypnotised by her own blood for what felt like an eternity. When a hand brushed over her shoulder, Brienne startled and let out a screech of fright.

For a desperate moment, Jaime looked at her terrified. Then she saw his eyes fixating on the sheets. He opened his mouth several times in unfruitful attempts of saying something, but no words left his lips. Then he shook his head and let out a low groan. His left hand reached for his eyebrows and he started rubbing them nervously.

“I am sorry… I am so sorry… I am” Jaime kept on repeating. When his hand dropped from his face, Brienne caught his distraught eyes. “I thought it was what you wanted as well… I asked… I assumed... oh, Brienne, I am sorry… so sorry…”

Brienne looked at him while narrowing her eyes. “What are you doing here?” The sight of a spirit would have been more easily explained.

Jaime frowned and shook his head, unable to collect his thoughts. “I… well… I… I brought food... and water… I thought… you wanted… Oh, Seven, Brienne! I thought you wanted it too! What have I done!?” His hand lifted to his hair and he clenched his fist in his greying locks, looking mortified.

Brienne’s eyes drifted towards the small table on which a tray of food now rested. And yet, somehow, that did not explain his presence there. “Jaime… what are you doing here?” She whispered, unbelieving.

Jaime looked at her with a frown that deepened and deepened as he seemed to finally comprehend the meanings of his words. His hand dropped from his hair, falling numb by his body.

“You thought I’ve left…” He said in a low voice. “You thought I’ve fucked you and left…” A hoarse snarl escaped his lips. “Of course you did, Ser… for all your grand speeches and words of sympathy in what I am concerned, in the depths of soul I have never ceased being that Kingslayer… Oathbreaker… that man without…”

“Jaime… no…” She stopped him before uttering the word. She knew she could not bear hearing him say it.

“No? Am I wrong? Have you not thought of me as a man who just did something dishonourable?” He inquired and the sadness in his tone broke Brienne’s heart.

She bit her lower lip and looked down, as a heated wave of guilt overwhelmed her body. _And the debt was paid…_ echoed through her head. Her eyes closed as she tried to come at terms with the realisation that she had indeed thought thus lowly of him.

“I am sorry…” Brienne muttered avoiding his gaze. “You are right... I did think you’ve left… because I thought last night was just…” She bit her and swallowed a surge of fear before continuing “...that last night you merely wanted a certain debt repaid…” She whispered while pointing to his golden hand with trembling fingers.

The look on Jaime’s face when he closed his eyes was one of utter pain. “I am a rotten man, Brienne… but _that_ rotten... I never held you responsible for my hand."

A solitary tear escaped her left eye and her voice trembled: “Maybe... Jaime... how else was I to explain last night to myself…”

She saw Jaime opening his eyes and looking at her: “Is it so hard to believe I really desired you?”

“Yes…” Brienne replied without a second thought.

“Because I’m that hateful?” Jaime asked in disbelief.

“No! Because it's me!” Brienne snapped back unable to hold it inside anymore. She knew she was a mountain of a woman, she knew she was not a beauty, she knew she was not even attractive, she knew it all and she accepted it a long time before meeting Jaime Lannister. She wore her armour with pride to shield her body and her soul alike. The steel protected her from swords and words! She was a Knight now. She had no need of trying to fit the Lady-title anymore.

Jaime looked at her frozen. “Precisely because it's you! Throughout my life, I haven’t been known to take many things seriously… My father always accused me of it… as did my sister and my brother - repeatedly. I did not care! I did not even take their accusations seriously! But for as long as I can remember I took honour seriously - so very seriously that I accepted to gain a reputation of having none of it in the name of it!" He shook his head swallowing hard. "For me... intimacy is about honour. I take it seriously, Brienne. My whole life, I have only known one woman, whom I used to love more than life itself… and I never, ever imagined there could be a day when someone else would grow such deep roots within my soul as to make me abandon Cersei! Before you asked me to, I could have never believed there would be a day when I would say fuck loyalty and give in to temptation…”

Brienne lowered her head: “Jaime, forgive me…”

But Jaime’s eyes drifted on the stained sheets once again: “Are you sorry for last night? Do you regret what we have done?” He muttered.

Brienne forced a sad smile and moved closer to him. She lifted a hand and cupped his face with it: “I am only sorry for this morning... and I only regret not trusting in you.”

“You matter... you know?” Jaime pressed a kiss in the pod of the palm with which she caressed his face. “You matter to me… I never wanted to care so deeply about you, I never wished for it to happen, but it did...”

Brienne nodded looking into his eyes: “I never wished for it to happen either... we are supposed to be enemies... another war is coming, one against the legacy of your house...”

A sad smile curved his lips. “Me leaving this morning would have made turning back to enemies easier... but I did not leave... so what now?” Jaime mouthed without a sound, forcing her to read his lips. A sudden urge of feeling them against her skin overwhelmed her body. Brienne swallowed hard and leaned forward. Jaime did the same and met her midway. He kissed her gently, arms wrapping around her middle, while she cupped his face pulling him closer. His tongue was fresh with mint, but his body's scent gave away their past night.

When she could no longer breath, Brienne broke the kiss, a shy smile resting on her face. She turned her head towards the bed and looked at the sheets one more time, before turning back to face Jaime. His emerald green eyes still shone with the hurt she had inflicted.

“Do you want to do _that_ again… and decide on our fate afterwards?” Brienne whispered letting her hands slide down his neck.

“Do _you_ want to do that again... do you want it truly?” Jaime asked with a tremor in his voice that sounded as much as lust as it did fear.

“I want it truly...” Brienne whispered as a vow.

“You know... it was never my intention to fuck you and I am sorry I came here drunk and made you feel that way. What I had in mind was worthy of being called rather differently...”

"How..." She begged.

Jaime kissed her softly, while tenderly pushing her towards the bed. “Making love... let's try _that... _and then decide our fate.” He sat her down and laid her upper body on the furs much more gracefully than the previous night. He fell to his knees before her and slowly parted her legs. 


End file.
